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Much love to all my wonderful coworkers who were so kind to me and all my wonderful, wonderful friends who I might miss out saying goodbye to because I am a clusterfork.
suddenly i was @ 12:31 am
(no feathers)
tuesday, august 23, 2005
I have two hours left. I don't think it's possible to be more sad. If I stop laughing and chatting I think I am about to burst into tears.
suddenly i was @ 04:07 pm
(no feathers)
And wouldn't you know?
Guess who's back? And by "who" I mean "what."
That's right.
The Creature.
WHY must it make such heinous noises?
suddenly i was @ 04:15 am
(no feathers)
P.S. I think this was my favourite book of them all.
suddenly i was @ 02:55 am
(no feathers)
I was sitting there, downstairs, making cookies for everyone in my office, talking about everyone there and suddenly I got all choked up and I couldn’t even finish my sentence.
It’s no secret I haven’t enjoyed the work of this job. The work was nothing. The people though, they have never been short of awesome and I am so sad to have to leave them.
I get really shy in new circumstances and it takes me forever and a year and a half to warm up to people, so it’s only now (after a year of employment) I am beginning branch out- and, of course, only now is when I have to uproot and start the whole painful process over again.
I remember going back to Chicago after a summer was always the loneliest feeling in the whole world. Like you were the only person for miles. Just a speck. The feeling always ended soon enough but…. it’s hard to shake when you’re in the middle of it.
Anyhow, I am just really sad right now. I am really, really going to miss my coworkers. They’ve really been my only social group since graduation.
Ha, I am making myself cry. Someone call the wahmbulance, we have an emo-gency.
I’m sorry. I just feel so bad right now. I can’t wait for things to settle so it’s ok again.
Ho boy, I must get this out or I will really embarrass myself tomorrow. Dear, dear.
suddenly i was @ 02:35 am
(no feathers)
monday, august 22, 2005
I have an exaggo wtf to share. Accorind to MSN Gossips (yeys!) Angelina Jolie has signed on to work on this film, in which she will play… Grendel’s mother.Ew.
Ew.
…
Ew.
I am very sick of Angelina Jolie. I don’t care how great a person she is and I do think her work abroad and adoptions are wonderful- but get her face out of my face.
Please.
On about Mother, though: Angelina will be shot using the same stop motion techniques featured in the film the Polar Vomit Express. The story is being co-written by Neil Gaiman.
In other news- it’s T-minus… three days? Before I leave. I rather wish I was dead. I am so nervous and terrified and am going to make a fool of myself the first day because my short ideas are so god awful. I can’t help it. I am in the biggest creative block of my life and when it comes to instruction I either need complete freedom or specific instruction- none of this half there, vague stuff. “One page, single space. Draw on emotion. No character sketches. Must be shot in four days in a 30 mile radius of AFI.”
What actor pool am taking from? Students? What is in a 30 mile radius of AFI?
Kills.
Anyhow, I packed all the basics yesterday and I think today will be the day for clothes.
Anyone in CA want a weekend adventure next weekend? I need to recover some seats.
>> note for later: It's all hitting me at once. I am so sad.
suddenly i was @ 09:33 pm
(no feathers)
saturday, august 20, 2005
Mad cackle.
suddenly i was @ 08:35 pm
(no feathers)
Ug.
suddenly i was @ 02:32 pm
(no feathers)
thursday, august 18, 2005
My adventure in sum.
ME: I hurt everywhere.
DAD: Do you need a Motrin?
ME: Ok.
DAD: One or tw-
ME: Two.
DAD: Don’t you want any water?
ME: I’ll just swallow with my spit.
I wrote this for my friend Hanna, I figured why type twice?
“Anyhow, I was in L.A. this past weekend. FYI: Los Angeles is the armpit stain of the universe. The school is right SMACK in the middle of Hollywood, just a few blocks from the sidewalk of stars and Mann’s Chinese theatre, though up in the hills.
Homahgawd. I have never been more stressed or tired in my entire life. Starting on Friday (coming off a full week’s work), at the crack of dawn I boarded a plane with my parentals, CA bound. We arrived in L.A. got a car and took off looking for an apartment.
Apartments there are so incredibly pricey, the average for decent place is about 800 per month (for a studio/single/bachelor). That’s more than Chicago, which is still expensive at 650! I can only imagine what NY must be like.
The first few places we visited were colourful at best. Of most mention is Peter in Little Armenia. I don’t know where Peter was from- Italy? Armenia? He was a tiny little scattered man with a thick accent and fake palm trees in his lobby. He showed us some of the lower-end type apts. (running 700 a month).
DAD: So what utilities are included?
PETER: Ah! Now you make-a my accent to come out.
All was well and humorous until he invited us into his own apt. to look at his shrine of stars. AKA, Photos, of him with celebrities.
PETER: This is me and my girlfriend.
(Points to picture of him with Salma Hayeck)
PETER: And the famous, Antonio Benneto, or as you know him: Tony Bennet.
He then directed our attention to the back wall to his family pictures.
PETER: These are my kids. My grandkids and my great grandkids. This-a one? Catherine. Catherine… The Great.
Then he made us read poetry off the wall at which point I was: “Ok, time to get the hell out of dodge.”
We ran all through the town. I can’t stand Los Angeles. Really can’t. No personality. Just loud, busy, gross and with no architectural finesse. Just slabs of concrete. Also, traffic. I am terrified of driving. Californians are actually very good drivers, fast, but good (Chicago drivers? Another story). The traffic is always so intense though, imagine the worst jam you have ever been in, in your entire life, times it by 22 and know, that is a lite L.A. traffic day, at best.
There is no fresh air in L.A. Only exhaust.
The last apartment we looked at on Friday was one on Los Feliz Boulevard. It was all right. A small studio in a complex run by a man named George (also Armenian). He asked if we wanted to see the place, we said yes and so he led us to a door and knocked for entry. FOOSh, swings open the door and we are greeted by a nice, shirtless, scruffy young man. Hi. We said.
The kid was actually an AFI graduate (in Cinematography) who was moving to a new location. He apologized for his state (he had been up late on some set) and proceeded to, warmly (and shirtlessly), give us a tour of his very, very, dirty apt.
You couldn’t see the floor- just two skittish cats darting from clothes pile to clothes pile (They’re not mine, explains Shirtless, I’m cat-sitting).
Still, it was a nice enough place, though on the ground floor and RIGHT on the sidewalk. We’re talking: I would take a shower and be two feet from the outdoor walkway, separated only by a wall. Also, there was wall to wall carpet.
Ew.
We told George as we left, however, we were very interested.
As we left there was this kid sitting with his family. His eyes were huge and he looked terrified. We found out he was also about to start at AFI in the Acting Discipline.
I was glad someone else looked as hammered as I felt.
Friday drew to a close and we went and stayed at our gross hotel where I cried and cried and cried and wished I was dead.
The next day was a little better, because I had BREAKFAST. It was still very early in the AM though, so that was a minus. We walked and wandered the entire length of Los Feliz BLVD and found a very, very cute place which was 200 dollars out of my price range (it was a one bedroom, opposed to a studio), but that was about it.
All day we wandered, but everyone really liked the pricey place so went back- my dad liked it so much he said, “We will make up the difference.”
I had a good feeling about it. It was on the ground floor, but up a huge stair case and it was also in a swank neighborhood (the houses behind? Going for a million dollars a pop. The condos next door? 900,000). The inside was very cute, hard wood floors, windows, tiled bathroom and kitchen, AC- there was a courtyard in back. I also saw these omens about it.
1. It is in Los Feliz. Feliz comes from the same root as the name, “Felix,” the protagonist to my first script which started this whole mess.
2. The apt. number is 6. 6 is my favourite number.
3. The building name includes the phrase, “Gar.” ‘Nough said.
The manager is AWESOME. She’s a grad student so she knows the ropes and told me all sorts of ways to cut deals being saying you are a student and offered to share her wireless network if my wireless thing EVER starts to work.
The only two problems are as is:
1. No fridge. That will be fun to figure out.
2. After I signed the lease, they told me no fish! They think I have this ginormous tank, but I only have this tinee tiny gallon thing. It’s like vase. Do you think it’s ok if I break the rules? I was such a dumb arse. I wrote “1 guppy” under pets because I was being stupid. They never would have known!
Also, it was my new manager who said the fish was ok, the old one (who came to make sure the new student manager was doing everything all right) was the one who said no.
I. Will. Not. Leave Napoleon.
The rest of my trip (read: half a day) was spent in Huntington with my cousin. Yeys, we watched “Jurassic Park.” All kinds of fun.
Then it was back on a plane, back home and to work at 8AM the next morning, that is, today.
But this morning after over a week up 7AM wake ups and late nights and running up and down and searching and spending and crying and moping and walking and driving and flying- my back and totally gone out.
This morning, 8AM, my back: Hi, I’m going out now.
ERK.
And that was the last time I bent over.
Now everyone at work is, “You are leaving, you are leaving!” and I am so nervous and upset I don’t want to talk about it.”
Something very strange and upsetting happened today. My dad saw in the paper one of my elementary/middle school friend’s mother died.
I can’t believe it. It seems so strange to me. It’s like some, far off piece of memory just- I don’t know. I haven’t seen my friend in years and years, it’s just weird this lady I knew as a young, pretty, perky person who always had fun things for us girls to do… is gone.
I don’t know if I should call my friend or not.
In other news. Screw the deeper inclinations of this picture. Could he BE any more hot? Mmm-mmm. He was the best in the 60’s. Also, I don’t think I have ever seen him annunciate so well. Is his voice dubbed?
I thought this was coming out in the theatres?
suddenly i was @ 01:15 am
(no feathers)
friday, august 12, 2005
I have to be very hush, for it is nearly 4 AM and I am due for awakening in T minus 3 hours, but oh! You know how I like these overly emotional type posts when I am caught up in a feeling!
Ah, the clock moves closer to 4, I must be off. Be good, stay. Think of magic.
suddenly i was @ 04:50 am
(no feathers)
thursday, august 11, 2005
Today is just one of those days when you ask, “Why am I even alive?”
I roll over on my pillow to meet my alarm clock face which reads: 7:50, though I don’t see 7:50, I see, “you should have been up 50 minutes ago, fart-arse.”
I proceed to roll out of bed, hands outstretched reaching for the first items of clothing nearest to my person, because they will be the ones I wear, no matter how clean.
Insert wrinkled skirt, foul miss-sized t-shi(r)t and broken ripped off sole shoes here…
Stumbling down the stairs with one side of my hair poking straight out as if to defy all laws of nature I realize, I forgot to make my lunch and upon fridge inspection (and realizing it is now past 8 AM) I see, there are no lunch possibilities in the next 14 seconds at all. There’s room temperature coffee-type drinks and granola bars.
Lunch: Two coffee drinks, granola bar.
MMM-MMM.
On the road, I took my normal path which has been under extreme construction for the past few weeks. Every morning I think I have found a creative detour but the next morning- as if to mock me! – it is always blocked off.
This morning was no different, save for my temper (pissed) and my favourite by-way was blocked so I got to off-road it on the scraped up street. I don’t think all the gravel pieces will ever come lose of their cracks in my car now.
Anyhow now I am at work, looking like some bag lady with dreads and warm frozen coffee to drink.
I have a moral dilemma. One which compromises everything I stand for.
THE STORY:
So I really wanted the E.T. movie on DVD, for I love it so. For my birthday a few years back my friend bought me the special edition. We watched it and were horrified to see they had A. replaced out puppet E.T. for bad, bad, bad CG E.T. B. they added crap useless scenes C. Poorly edited out guns in a rash of PC-related madness.
It was the worst thing I had ever seen, so I took it home, put out on the banister and said, “GET RID OF THIS.”
Well, the movie sat there for months and months. Finally my mom gave it to a little neighbor boy up the way.
WELL.
Yesterday I decided to research the theatrical release of E.T. because God told me as a burning bush I need to own it. – When what should I find? But the DVD I had, its bonus disc, WAS the original movie. You know the second bonus disc, the one you never watch, the one I feared because it was decorated with a picture of Spielberg looking like Jesus standing next to E.T. – the one which was now at my neighbor’s house!
AUGH.
I ran over and asked if I could borrow back the second disc only. Now I have it. My mom says just to keep it and they will never notice, since they have the other version- the neighbor mom even tried to return the whole thing to me saying her son had seen it and I said, “no it’s ok!”
But now what do I do?
Am I stealing from a small child I gifted something to? Am I the incarnate of all evOL in the universe?
I am enjoying IMDB again. Do you know why Empire Strikes Back is probably the best Star Wars? A woman wrote the script’s first draft.
suddenly i was @ 11:40 pm
(no feathers)
Still.
A. What will this be? Geriatric Jones? Or will they recast? Both are overwhelmingly wrong on several levels (and sub cats).
B. Lucas especially has to learn to let the old cows to pasture. The biggest danger for anyone producing creative material is to become so enamored with your own work, do don’t do anything else and forget to grow at all.
“American Graffiti” will always be his best movie.
I think my tiredness has finally reached peak levels. I am like the two-year-old who after staying up past bed time only gets faster and louder to keep awake. Right now I feel like twirling down the hall singing the Indiana Jones theme.
This condition is helped by listening to the song posted on Betsy’s journal and “Now That We’re Men” from the Spongebob movie.
suddenly i was @ 12:50 am
(no feathers)
tuesday, august 9, 2005
Omg. Death and death and death and death and dying death! My stomach is so upset. I don’t think I will ever be able to eat again, every time I do the thing revolts on me.It is nine AM again. The sun is shining through my window and I can see the mountains.
I am very tired this morning because I was up obscenely late last night. First, I was up watching an Orsen Welles movie (“Touch of Evil”), which I have to admit I didn’t like very much at all- though the opening shot is amazing, then at about 11:40 I ventured up to take a shower, but my stomach started twist and cramping and gurgling and I was too frightened to stand in the shower for it.
So I kneeled in front of the computer (whose internets finally started working after being down all night) and looked at ye olde el jay to soothe my tender tummy.
Suddenly I heard my mom call from downstairs, “Mabel has a mouse!”
The Pretties was at it again.
I ran downstairs and there was Mabel with a little mouse nugget in her mouth. I gave chase and Mabel released. The little mouse bounded across the floor to the wall where my cupped hands met him moments later.
This mouse, was so tiny guys.
So tiny!
From the tip of my thumb to the knuckle. Just a little baby. I held him fast, named him Herbert and said, “Where’s Mabel?”
In the commotion, the Pretty Kitty had given us the slip.
Normally this wouldn’t matter, but you can’t release the animals to the wiles of the wilderness when Mabel is still out there. We all recall the brain-damaged baby bird from a few weeks ago. Mabel finds the creatures and returns them inside!
So I dragged my mom outside to look for A. The Pretties and B. Optimal mouse-drop. The moment I stepped outside it was a little, “I sense a disturbance in the force I haven’t felt since…” and I knew Mabel was watching.
I went all the way up the block to some weeds and let Herbert go (Herbert paused hopped in the grass and sat there until I shooed him on) when WHO should appear, but The Pretties. My mom snatched her up and we all went inside, bolted the cat door so Herbert could have a chance and retired for bed.
Not. By then I was wide awake, I took my shower and became even more awake so by the time it hit 2 AM I was wired.
Taking advantage of the situation I converted the rest of Mozart to php. When I finished, my body had begun to slow and it was just past three so I went to bed.
Now it is morning I have had four hours of sleep and am a rummy mummy.
ME: And then in the Lincoln Park Zoo there’s this automatronic tree and it says, “What’s it like living in a big old tree? The Tree of Life.”
I am also drawing Hamlet and he looks like something from Duck Dodgers. Does anyone else want to draw me Hamlet?
suddenly i was @ 08:57 pm
(no feathers)
So I am back at work and there is a large particle of matter in my eyeball. It was Oedipus Rex all the way to work.
There’s construction on the other side of the wall of my office and you can hear this worker bellowing about his weekend, “So she gets out of the shower and puts on this little mini skirt towel thing so I could get a little beaver. And- heh- got me some good action at 4 in the afternoon!”
I wonder if he knows all of us over here can hear him.
I am so busy right now I feel as though my head is going to fall off. There’s no time to do anything. I do everything in timed bursts and nothing is finished within them. I try to double up: I read my books and exercise, I draw while I watch my stupid movies (the books and movies are required for AFI) there’s just no time! I work, I bring work home from work- I work on that work while I work on work for AFI and try to even pretend I care about my own work.
On Saturday it got really late, I had tried to read my books and update some computer work and by about 4 AM I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish my second book and stay awake. So I decided to get into a bath, for such usually keeps me conscious. Operative word: usually.
I totally passed out. I was in there… oh, god only knows how long. A few hours.
Remember “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” where Leonardo DiCaprio is left in his tub and doesn’t leave it for hours because his brother doesn’t come back for him?
Yeah.
That was me.
I woke up and the water was freezing and the sun had risen.
ME: This is the most attractive thing ever, I’m sure.
I was very wrinkly and oh-! My book still wasn’t finished. What a SUR-prize.
Friday was fun, for- are you ready kids (aye, aye cap’n!) I went out for the second time in 2005. I am a partay animal.
It was very nice. It was a coworker’s birthday and we went to a Thai restaurant. Yeys.
Ug, it’s 9:13 AM and I have to get started on work. This Friday I have to go to CA and find some pit to live in, fun- but as such, I have to haul it work-wise, which is difficult because of these reasons:
A. I am very tired, despite multiple caffeinated beverages. Apparently I am getting to the point where I need a dose of espresso shot directly into my heart ala “Pulp Fiction” to get me started in the AM.
B. I am being rendered blind by something the size of a redwood jutting violently into my cornea.
Random: I have a couple duplicates of “Pete and Pete” box set, due to my avid birthday wishlist, is there anyone out there who would like to do a trade of some sort? You can find, “Being There” or something, for me and I will give you my Pete and Pete set?
suddenly i was @ 01:05 am
(no feathers)
thursday, august 4, 2005
Omg. I have to listen to the quarterly results conference call. WHY!? Why.
I guess some interesting things have been happening. I now own a car, just like every other consumer whore on the planet (one of those mornings). It’s actually the car I’ve always shared with my mom, but she got a new car, so I (for a nominal price) bought the other from her. I don’t like driving at all, but I have to admit, I am fond of this car. We drove the 405 together when I had my Miramax internship. It was good times.
But not that it is mine, my mom really needs to clean out her crap and I have to replace the wipers. Ug. I have never wanted a car and wait- I still don’t want one. I am one of the few people who adore public transit and walking.
I submitted my notice to work so I can go to bane-of-my-life AFI; though I am not certain if my boss got the memo, because he hasn’t said anything to me or replied to the email. So I don’t know what to do because I am in this huge office so it’s not like I can call out, “HEY!”
I am tired today and feel like I am in a deep funk. I was thinking about who I am right now. I guess it’s reflected in my protagonists in every lame story I’ve ever written because I tend to only write myself. Last year, every protagonist I had people, really, liked. Said they were sweet or funny. Now, of the three people who have met my current protagonist, no one likes him- well, maybe they do, but no one can see him or understands him or misunderstand him completely. No one sees him. He’s like this vapid, depressive thing no one wants to listen to because he is just so nothing.
That’s pretty much how I feel.
Jesu Christo, is this conference call STILL going on?
Do you think Q4 acquisitions, business segments, inventory is up 90 percent, the inflation is in part due to… ya da ya da.
You are not serious! Now we have a Stand Up.
Back.
Now our office is playing the “Glad Game.”
BOSS: I am glad for my kids and beer.
Also, we’re playing who will play us in the movie made about our office game. So far my coworkers are Seth Green , Kevin Spacey, Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Garner and the guy who played Kramer. The only person they can come up with for me is Molly Ringwald because she has red hair.
Our huge VP just came in and she is the most awesome person alive. She was telling us about some wedding where she was a bridesmaid this past week. She had some god-awful peach dress (“I looked naked except for this ribbon across my chest, so I went and spray tanned myself”) and on her way to the wedding a pet can shredded the back, “But it’s not like I could get angry, because I felt the same about the dress.” Also she said she was very strategic about who she stood next to in wedding photos and she didn’t get be next to a single beautiful, six foot, anorexic Filipino once but rather spent time with her friend who just had a baby and was “FOUR SIZES bigger” than usual, so she wasn’t ever the “fat arm on the end.”
She is also playing with silly putty (stretching across her forehead, pulling with her teeth) and saying she can’t repeat the best lines of “Wedding Crashers” because her mother is Catholic (crosses self).
Our VP is 26 and she is so incredibly smart it would blow your mind.
Interesting- this is all live, bee tee doubleyew, our site just crashed and our visual sciences guy called us over and we got to watch the numbers spike on the “Site Down” page, which was very interesting.
Katy is telling me all about the fun she is having at Siggraph. Apparently “American Dog” looks cute. I can’t tell much from the images here- though I think the Rapunzel spin off sounds like something Shrek vomited up. “Cars” looks and sounds equally as painful as “Toy Story III: Revenge of the Rehash.”
suddenly i was @ 01:51 am